This is a crazy world
These are such lonely days... -some song at the end of "Prayers For Bobby"
I don't even know how to begin to say what I'd like to say. I'm too emotional -have been for a while now- to utter any coherent words beyond a stammered "thank-you..." To the boihood for everything that they do to affirm us and hold us down with their positive representation of queerness & masculinity. To my new found friends abroad and here at home who have been accepting and awesome and truthful and supportive etc...
But before that. There's been a greater urge within me -suppressed like nothing you can ever imagine- to scream "HELP!" So I guess this is it. This is me succumbing to the basic human need to enlist the assistance of your fellow people in trying to stay afloat. In trying to survive. Survive what? Fuck you talking about? Yes; I hear you asking the questions. Impatient, ready to walk away before you get sucked into some lunatics ramblings about something that probably has nothing to do with you in the first place. And maybe it doesn't. Maybe there's nothing you can do to help me. But maybe...
Maybe you know of someone or are someone who understands the desperation I am about to describe here.
I guess I should start by letting it be known that I am chastising myself -right now- for watching far too many "sad" queer films. You know, Boys Don't Cry, What Makes a Family, The Laramie Project (a doccie-type film about Mathew Shepard), Soldier's Girl etc. All of which have very painful undertones and don't cast a very "light" light on what it means to be queer in the world today. For the most part these films seem to be the only type of movies out there for people who would like to watch serious gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual films and not gay porn. I have noticed however that there is a kind of commonality in these films and that is their "based-on-a-true-story" ness.
Because I'd sort of like to know what I'm up against.
And I guess that is the problem. Sorry for getting to the point in such a round about way -but this is just how my thought-processes pan out sometimes. I get so immersed in all of these really bleak, really depressing stories about queer people and their lives that it's hard to imagine any kind of happy ending for my own journey. Now I know I'm probably a lil too young to be contemplating any kind of "end" to my "journey" here on earth but the truth of the matter is I've been thinking obsessively about there being an end to my journey/life for years. Please, don't be alarmed though; I'm leaning towards a much more optimistic outlook most of the time so I won't be doing anything uh...stupid.
But that doesn't mean it's easy.
I think I internalize shit far too much. The hatred so many people feel towards anyone who is "other" out in the world is one I have had to work incredibly hard not to turn in on myself. And I've felt it on a lot more fronts than just that which is pertinent to my being queer. I feel it when people show hatred of black people. I feel it when people show hatred of female people. I feel it when people show hatred of masculine-identified female people, or black female people. It's real. And I feel it. And for a very long time feeling it was enough to make me want to be done with the world and life. Feeling it was enough to make me want to be dead. And as I continue to watch these films and think about what the world likely has in store for me as a black queer masculine-identified female person...I feel that hatred more than ever.
But I don't want to die. Really I don't. I would like to feel less alone in this though. I would like to know that yes it does get better and be told exactly how it gets better and how I can make sure it gets better for myself. I try so very hard to be brave daily. To forget that I have a parent -the only one I acknowledge as such- who would very quickly disown me if she ever found out I was queer. I try hard to pretend that it doesn't not sit well with me that everything that I am; everything that I love about being who I am is seen as sinful and "wrong" in the eyes of a community of people I've grown up with my entire life. I don't even identify as christian; yet years of indoctrination -continuing indoctrination- have culminated into this internal cess pool of shame, shame, shame.
And this hurts me. It causes me so much pain to wake up everyday and feel shame about the people I fantasize about or have been in love with; to feel a sick mixture of self-love and shame every time I bind or wear my pants low or lower my voice or stare at another beautiful boi and/or want to touch them... I don't know how much longer I can go on dealing with the shame and facing the world with this internal battle waged against my sense of self-worth. It's fucked up that in any situation where I am called upon to give my opinion about a bigot's comments about queer people in general; I am able to cut that person down to shreds...but I STILL walk away with a bit of whatever hatred the bigot sent out into the air. A part of me still feels like absolute crap for being who I am.
I dunno. I guess I just need to stay focused right? Think of all the awesome queer people I am going to meet and love and live among one day and not care that that life of happiness might just cost me the love of a parent and an entire community of people...
Mercy Medusa Minah is a 20 year old, 2nd year Law student currently based in South Africa, Johannesburg. I identify as queer, go by female pronouns and I also identify as a feminist/womanist/humanist. I sing and write, act and draw and I read more than I breathe. I work part-time as a Math and English tutor for kids from the ages 4 to 18; some with learning difficulties and others who come from rough backgrounds. I also continue to work at GALA (Gay and Lesbian Memory in Action) and am an internet-hog.
Facebook: http://www. facebook.com/mercymedusaminah | Twitter: @blacqqueer black queer artiste | My blog:http://www.medusaprose.wordpress.com | Email: firstname.lastname@example.org