Watch the Throne...

If you're gender non-conforming having to publicly pee or change clothes is often a nightmare. We've been exploring bathroom-politics over the last year @ BBH, and we're committed to remaining a space for bois to tell their story. Our guest blogger this go-round is Haven. Check out her bio and writing and give her feedback! -mo 

Anecdotes from Restroom Land

By Haven

If someone were to ask a handful of bois to describe themselves they would get many, many answers. Bois, Stud, Butch, Soft stud, Versatile, Queer, Lesbian, Gay--like any other community, ours is peppered with a variety of definitions and styles covering an array of personalities. However vast our self-definitions may be there is one universal truth I believe we all go through: those awkward events known as peeing in a public restroom and changing in a fitting room. The following are just highlights of my adventures in these two places. I can’t say they are as colorful as what most go through. To be honest they are the most recent encounters therefore the only ones I remember in detail.

 Incident #1 happened during a Valentine’s Day dinner with my girlfriend at The Cheesecake Factory. Our evening was going fine even with the usual rude stares. I never really know if it’s because we’re an interracial couple, because I look like a 15 year old boy with a 28 year old school teacher, or because they realize we’re a lesbian couple...but that piece of self-reflection is for a different time. We sit and start eating this wonderful dinner which, with the aid of the many alcoholic beverages, ran right through me. I excused myself from the table and drunkenly walked to the restroom.

Luckily for me, the bathroom was only a few tables down. The line for the toilets was rather long but my dedication to make this woman who was staring at me uncomfortable made me ride out the lines. She had the same look on her face as some people do in airports when they see a person that fits the description of “a Muslim”. She got to the sinks and watched me do my “I have to pee” dance through the mirror. When I was next in line to the stalls she finally found the courage to say, “Sir, I don’t think you are in the right place.” Her southern drawl laced this string of cuteness around her statement. A stall opened up and as I walked into it I told her, “Don’t worry I am.”

As I did my thing I could hear her speaking to other patrons. She spoke in the same way high school girls do when they are around someone they don’t like, with that fake whisper that’s just loud enough for you to hear their insults.

“I don’t know what he’s doing in here...maybe we should call someone to get him out...Who does he think he is?” the comments were almost comical. I finish up, wiped my ass and headed to the sinks.

I got the VIP treatment because the woman just so happened to stay in the bathroom for me. I felt really safe. As I washed my hands, this lady slides closer to me and says “Exactly what do you think you’re doing in here?” Now to say that my language is colorful is an understatement. I curse like a sailor because I am one and I take pride in my proficient vulgarity. I replied “I thought I was taking a shit, why?” By this time I’m almost sure this woman is aware that I am a female but she obviously wanted to hold on to the male image I seem to possess.

“This restroom is for FEE-MAY-ALES!” She said in frustration. Maybe it was the high volume of alcohol I consumed or the influx of V-Day Vag that came my way prior to dinner but I was a little more theatrical than usual. I grabbed the collar of my shirt with my wet hands and shoved my face in my shirt all while saying “Well fuck, I thought I had my titties in here a second ago. Where are they? Oh! There they are.” The woman looked at me in such horror, all words escaping from her lips. I felt accomplished and walked out of the restroom laughing hysterically. 

Incident #2 happened on a wonderful Saturday afternoon the very weekend after Valentine’s Day. My girlfriend likes to go out. We can party with the best of them. Unfortunately I have no sense of style and the club she wanted to go to was a Suited and Booted type of venue. I haven’t bought a new shirt since 2009 so yes, my gf had to dress me for the occasion. We go to Marshall’s, because I’m cheap, and she drags me through the men’s section. She pulls out the most random dress shirts with the most random colors and as a black t-shirt and black t-shirt only type of person I wasn’t digging any of it.

My girl of course is spoiled so of course I tried on a shirt or two. In fact, I tried on three shirts; we had a quickie and gathered everything to put back on the racks because nothing fit. The evolution took no more than 30 minutes. We’re laughing having a great time and I hand over the shirts to the attendant. She looks at me with the most confused look I have ever seen a woman conjure onto her face. She looks at my girlfriend, then back to me, then back to my girlfriend. She takes the shirts and turns to my girlfriend and says, “Did he,” as she rudely points to me “go into the girl’s changing room?” 

I guess being a masculine-identified female forfeited my ability to speak (according to this woman) so to help her out I said something. 

“Yes, HE went in the female dressing room because HE is a SHE.” I slapped on the biggest shit eating grin I could muster just as any smart-ass would. She abruptly looked at me and suddenly began to bow repeatedly whispering “I’m sorry” as she moved up and down. “It’s ok; the short hair gets everyone apparently.” I said to her in a facetious manner. We walked out of Marshall’s emptied handed that day and I ended up buying a $70 shirt from Express.

I’m sure that these situations will be reoccurring and I share such instances with people because to me they are funny. “Straight” people who hear these stories get a few minutes in my shoes and those who aren’t straight get to see that these situations aren’t a singular event. Some would get very offended and hurt by these things. I say have fun with it because at the end of the day your presence is strong enough to rock the worlds of the feeble minded and bring a great opportunity to sharpen your wit on people that you really don’t care about in the first place.

About Haven 

I was born in Englewood, CO and raised in Miami,FL. Currently serving active duty in the U.S. Navy, I am stationed in Norfolk, VA where many of the interesting events I've come across has occurred. I am an Aviation Structural Mechanic for MH-53 Sea Dragons, which is just a fancy way of saying an Aircraft Mechanic for a really big helicopter. I began writing at the age of 10 years old, starting with poetry and soon migrating to writing sci-fi and fantasy short stories. The most important thing I focus on in my stories is the emotional connection it may have with a reader. I think the most amazing thing an author can do is kill off a character a reader has an emotional tie to or have a reader fall in love with a character they originally hated, so I do that often. At 15 years old I posted a poem on the lesbian Erotica Site Kuma. By the time I entered college I was performing spoken word at University Of South Florida with The Poets. Along with writing short stories for friends and family, I have a fledgeling vlog on youtube titled S.A.I.N.:Socially Awkward In Norfolk. The vlog focuses on current events mostly in the realm of politics. I try to place a blunt, up front, and honest view on issues. I humbly think that I am also an amateur photographer and I'm working on my B.A. in History and International Studies. Hopefully when I grow up I will be working as a Foreign Service Officer. Until then I'm just enjoying the ride I've put myself on.

 youtube: youtube.com/PyroHaven07

facebook: facebook.com/haven.toujours.seul