A Stud in the Closet...
Friday, December 16, 2011 at 5:18PM I love the way studs that are more handsome than pretty stand with their shoulders broad and proud. The way jeans fit over boxers. Hands that feel a little rough and bras that keep secrets that if you’re lucky, you’ll get to find out. The way they breathe when shit gets heavy and grab with excitement. Turns me on to forget about all the politics in the world and just let myself be held tight and feel safe. I love the way they sit and flirt with confidence. I’m so shy around them. Hats low or fades in coats an tees and everything in between. I love the way they handle knowing they’re being looked at sideways or with jealousy. Soldiers of queerness in a way.
I love these things so much but I hide them because I am a stud too. I don’t know how to feel comfortable being “out” about it. It’s like I’m gay twice. My friends, my bois, my girlfriends, none of them know that I (a boi/stud whatever, a ceasar-having, tie-sporting, strap-layin’ person) am the most turned on by a boi doing to me what I’m “supposed” to be doing to and with other women. I’ve noticed that in non-poc communities there is less stigma or maybe I’m just thinking the grass is greener because what I want seems so far away.
I’m writing to ask what we can do as a community to stop being homophobic? Who do these studs out here think they are that loving each other is “gay”? Aren’t we already gay, isn’t that the point? I hate that my whole life I’ve been out and endured quite a few things because of it but can’t even feel comfortable having the type of partner I want.
Thank you for being cool with all bois, bklyn boi Hood.
Peace,
A stud in the closet
Reader Comments (6)
I think that yeah, in non poc communities, some of them, there's been a process of discomfort and slow acceptance around butch/butch relationships/loving. And part of the acceptance that I think can be found sometimes is based on partial erasure of the butch identity, so it is not entirely a good thing. some older white femmes have been wondering, where did all the butches go? that identity and way of being in the world that they loved so much in the 50s and 60s seems to have blurred away in some cases. I don't think it really did, but I think maybe it's just less prominent and recognizable because "butch" as an identity was pushed out by white lesbian feminism in the 70s and there was erasure of butch/femme and therefore of butch/butch relationships too.
thank you for writing this. besides being so super spot on with your description of the absolute wonder of bois/studs/folks on the masculine side of the spectrum (sigh.... so ultimately sexy), the words bring up my own questions. i crave being safely held by folks who express this way.
the question this brings up for me lays in my own expression. lately i've been really drawn to presenting/expressing in more societally masculine ways. i wonder if i'm wanting to turn myself in to that which i crave the most. wonder how that will or will not influence my desire.
seeing moc folks show affection with/to each other warms my heart (and other parts) in ways i don't fully understand yet. but i have seen much of the internalized homophobia that you spoke of above expressed in some pretty hurtful ways. i understand your feelings of feeling like you'd have to come out all over again. studs, or anybody for that matter, who think that stud/boi/moc-stud/boi/moc relationships are gay (and gay being "bad" here) need counseling. like we all do #soapbox (go to counseling EVERYBODY. i do. IT HELPS TREMENDOUSLY. fuck stigma. get free. re-evaluation counseling is currently rocking my pajamas. look it up. it's world wide. there is an rc community wherever you are.) *steps down from soapbox*
i am sure you are beautiful. your desires are beautiful and you deserve to express them without the fear of hatred. there are a lot of layers to the phrase "do you" but that's the first thing that jumped in to my mind. i know it's not that easy right? doing you, at times, takes a whole lot of courage. but the thing about secrets/being in the closets is that they bind us, they hold us back from our liberation. i am positive that after telling your truth/living your truth you will find that there are so many more like you. folks with beautiful desires waiting to be expressed. i pray you find that community quickly and that it supports and loves you fiercely.
thanks again for writing. it made an impact on me.
I have a similar problem, but in a way it is different than yours. I'm a femme, or better said society labels me a femme. I love all kinds of girls, femmes and butch. The thing is I'm not the streotypical femme I seem to be. I like taking care of a girl, and in a relationship, I turned out to be the more masculine one. Even though I'm always in a skirt and heels, and wear makeup, I like a girl to be soft and sweet and let me take care of things, including sexually. Most girls that are attracted to me expect me to be the girly type, emotional, submissive, a pillow queen, but I'm not at all. I've dated a few girls, but when they noticed that "I'm just like a guy", they didn't want to continue dating me. This happens especially when I'm attracted to a "butch", who usually thinks if I am to act that way, I should dress accordingly, I should dress butch. I think it is sad that even in our gay community, we have expectations and rules on how we can express ourselves sexually. It is unfair that if you're not the "average" lesbian and choose a side "femme" or "butch" and the sexual behaviors attached to those labels, you have to defend yourself to your own community. Sometimes this makes me feel left out in both the gay and straight worlds. It shouldn't be like that. Being gay should be all inclusive, not just for those who play by the rules.
As someone from a mixed community, I can say there is still some stigma but not a lot. And yes, it does feel like being gay twice. I'm a boi who dates butches, bois and studs; please come out. It is so worth it.
be you. youre not alone im referred to as a stud and im only attracted to more masculine females, though i dont walk around screaming it. im the more masculine& dominant partner in my four year relationship as well. though my tomboi isnt the most masculine in the world she knows what i like. that being said she's the only one... point being be you to the fullest dont short yourself its too beautiful and real to deny. once youre gay you dont become more gay by certain acts though im around the most closed minded lgbtq community to exist im not sure they know what half the letters even mean. that being said dont settle for the satisfaction of others achieve yours ;)
i feel you. i identify as genderqueer tilting towards the more masculine. folks who are masculine presenting across gender identity are so fine. it pains me when i see poc masculine presenting folks taking on hetero gender roles. that if we're masculine presenting we flirt, we're the aggressive ones, we grab there, we touch here, we make the first move, we fuck a certain way and the only folks we can hook-up with are more feminine people. i say fuck that. i want to express my sexuality, my desire, my attraction in ways that are real and not going through the motions. i also don't want my attractions/desires/people who i find hot to be assumed to be a particular way. we are gay! that's the beauty of queerness. we don't have the script that says we should be fucking/loving/caring for so-and-so. i also think that our own internalized homophobia is fuckin with us. i want a world where we all (yes you straight folks who be on the dl and shit) have choice, wholeness, and realness when it comes to who we find attractive, hot, desirable, who we wanna fuck, who we wanna love on. i feel you and get at me if you wanna talk!